I know I've had a lot of quirky...some downright depressing....status updates recently. I can't explain everything in a 1 line update...so I thought that I might share my feelings with you here on my blog!
First off, I want to thank everyone for being so supportive and lending their kind words. The inspirational quotes, the uplifting insights, and the powerful support. I've read each and every contribution and it's all appreciated. I'm not the world's greatest writer or blogger so I'll try to break it down simply.
"What's wrong?" - A lot of people are asking me this question in regard to my status updates and comments on my myspace, facebook and twitter. I guess the simplest answer to this is A LOT OF THINGS! Haha ;) Things have become so weird for me in the pursuit of my dream. Lately, I find myself taking the negative things to heart more than I used to...it's not that I don't see all the positive support...it's just that the negative has impacted me more recently. People saying such hurtful and unnecessary things as though they woke up in the morning and decided, "Today, I am going to hurt people and bring them down." I know my attitude should be, "forget the haters!" or "I'm gonna do my thing!" but I can't seem to bring myself to that point lately...and I can't fake it...that just causes more of an internal rift inside me.
"That was great! As usual!" - This is going to make me sound ungrateful if I don't explain it first. I'm in a huge rut and even though things are steadily rising for me...I don't feel the rise within me... I don't want to keep coming to you with "the usual"...I want to bring you something new and exciting! Something that impacts you more than "Here's Tommy...doing what he always does"....I feel this block inside of me that is so passionate and strong...but it's stuck and it's killing me...it really is and I think you deserve better than cover songs that are "doing justice" to the artists who created them to begin with! I feel like a cover man...just delivering the acoustic alternative to an already awesome piece of art. It's fun sometimes...but it's fully neglecting who I am...and where I want to be! It's something I feel obligated to deliver because that's what everyone expects!
"Boyce Avenue, Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa(I don't know how many a's haha), davidchoi etc..."
Lately...though I probably shouldn't admit it...and I could deny it...I have been feeling completely defeated by the artists around me on youtube. I'm doing what they do and falling hundreds of thousands of supporters short of them...They put out high quality videos! Crystal sound...great instruments...and I don't have the know-how or equipment to compete with that! So everyday I get these comments "Boyce Avenue's is Better"...and stuff like that...it's crushing...because I don't know what to do to bring it up to that level...and if I did...is that even what I really want? I have been feeling jealousy and it's an ugly, angry and bitter thing that I can't shake off.
"This isn't fun anymore..." I know I wrote that...and I know it sounds awful...and it IS awful. Everytime I try to sing or pick up my guitar I get this horrendous feeling in my stomache...and I get angry with myself for feeling it. When I'm trying to make a song or a video...every little mistake I make pushes me instantly into rage...I've almost broken my poor guitar like 5 times in the last 3 days :( I'm so far from the place I was when I started all of this and I need to find that part of me...that passion. I KNOW that this is what I want to do...and I KNOW I have an amazing opportunity to do it...and I KNOW that I have THE ABSOLUTE BEST FRIENDS, FANS, SUPPORTERS IN THE WORLD! I love you guys...I feel like you deserve the better version of me...the one who wakes up and is excited to get my hands on that beautiful Taylor guitar...the version of me that smiles while I record and write because I feel so perfectly at home. I want to be better!
The ORIGINAL me
I started this whole YouTube thing to expose my art and reach the world...covers were the way to get people to see me and hear my voice and let me know what they thought! I hoped that would be the gateway into people hearing MY songs...the ones that mean the most to me...the ones that I created from a special place inside of me...and it's happened to some extent...but it's also put me in a creative funk...I have a hard time writing because I'm always thinking..."Do people really want to hear ME?" or just "One of those YouTube cover guys" And the urge to write has left me...I force every word and every note that becomes a song...and the anger comes in their too...just thinking about writing songs...RIGHT NOW...makes me ill and depressed...I've destroyed all the things and reasons why I do what I do...and I feel transparent...like a piece of plastic...I don't feel my soul, my emotion or my passion. I feel like a mannequin that someone else set up and put on display. None of this feels real to me. I want to get back to my REAL self...and really create some art...if only 10 people like it...that's the way it has to be...because all of my focus on "YouTube Numbers"...subscribers...views...favorites...comments...honors...has absolutely killed and destroyed my soul. I never used to play music for a reason other than "I love to...and I want to" Now that's very far from the truth.
The REAL World
I'm so plugged into the online music matrix that I am more of a digital presence than a human one...I haven't played a gig in over a year! I've felt like playing gigs is pointless..."who's gonna see me?"..."That's not the way to make it anymore" and more of that...MAKING IT...MAKING MONEY...GETTING HITS...all of this has clouded my mind so bad that I'm disconnected from almost everything that used to make me feel alive! I feel so unalive right now it's almost ridiculous...I feel like a Jack-in-the-Box...just wind me up and I'll pop out as expected...always...the same...and one day my spring will break...and I'll be garbage...that's really how I feel. I know I have to reconnect with life to make this better.
THE INFLUENCE OF THINGS/FORCES/CIRCUMSTANCES OUTSIDE OF MY MUSIC
A lot of where I'm at right now has to do with things other than music. I have a 5 year old child...like most of you know...and I want to make my dreams happen so he can see in his life that anything is possible...but at the same time...I have an urge to just go be secure and stable...and do it the "Normal" way...I get flack from everyone close to me...everyone that is supposed to be down for me...about how great they are with their careers and possessions...and how their TV's are bigger than mine...their cars are better...they eat at better restaurants...and I don't know if they realize it...but they're making me feel like an ant...an insignificant dreamer that's going to wash out to sea and never drift back. This influences my art because I feel this relentless pressure to SUCCEED i.e. make lots of money...and anyone who's an artist knows that if money is on your mind when you pick up your instrument...or piece of paper...that you're art is going to fall...and I can't keep this success comparison out of my head...the fact that I'm seen as "Haha...broke Tommy" or "Loser Tommy" or "Lazy Tommy"....the guy who has nothing and will never become anything...I don't want to feel like that anymore...so I have to release that need to be what others expect...and just get back to making the art and living the dream. I really do see myself as lucky in the world of music...and I know I have opportunities that others only dream of...but I want to make the most of this. I don't want to feed you my original songs of depression and despair so that you can suck up all my negativity and bring it into your own life...I want to make music that makes you love yourself and your life...music that makes you feel special and amazing...and the only way I can do that is if I learn to love myself...and feel special myself...so I will move gingerly into a brighter world so we can all love this amazing opportunity to just be ALIVE and BREATHE! No gift is greater!
IN CONCLUSION...I need to take things slow right now...and maybe bring you some music that will release some of these emotions that are blocking me...in hopes of getting to the other side...where we lift each other up...because that's what I want...the BEST of EVERYTHING for every single one of us.
Bless you and thanks for your amazing and kind support,
Tommy, TK, etc... haha ;)
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"They put out high quality videos! Crystal sound...great instruments..."
ReplyDeleteSo what? Your voice and your music are what's important. Btw, when I restarted my YT acc, I resub-ed to you and neither of them (BA and David) because your music is better. Your music is what I want to hear.
""Do people really want to hear ME?" or just "One of those YouTube cover guys""
Does it matter? Better to be hated for being yourself than loved for being something your not, yea?
"if only 10 people like it...that's the way it has to be..."
Damn right, do it for the 10 of us, 'kay?
Seriously, you are my FAVORITE artist on youtube. I love EVERY song I hear more than the first, and every time I hear one I like you more and more! I've even introduced some friends to you, and they now like you too :D You're doing big things Tommy, you're going to make it. I believe in you.
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